Facey Like Yours - Hitting the Toon

Hittin the Toon

The bricht, fluorescent lights wurr flickerin in awbdy’s een, blindin the savage - like folk who wurr waitin tae git in aboot the pit eh chaos they cried a nightclub. The waws which wurr meant tae be gleamin white wurr grey fae aw the dirt that hud decided to live oan thum. The perts eh the waws that hud colour wurr the parts where it looked like it hud been paintit in blood. It must eh been fae when the bampots left their caves n came oot to cause nuhin but pandemonium, or it could be fae the muckle buses kent as the doormen. It probly happened when they got bored so they went in the club tae pick their nixt victim who was gon hame in a body bag. Awbdy hud tae stawnd oot in that line when it wiz blawn full force gales n the rain wiz chucking it doon like it wiz the Falls of Bruar. Aw the lassies dresses n skirts wurr gettin’ blawn up… no that it made a difference onywey since the lassies wurr awready wearin their dresses n skirts like a belt.

He wiz lookin aroond the queue as he stood there cautiously like an ootcast fae the group eh toffs he wiz wi. As he glanced up the queue he saw a group eh minors who wurr nae aulder than thurteen. The lassies wurr tartit up tae the nines - well so they thought - way their faces caked in makeup fae the Poond shop, their short revealin sequined dresses wit they paid a fiver fur oot eh Primark. They hud enough perfume oan tae no only let ye smell it but tae gee ye a taste eh it. Aye, cheers fur that ladies. Anyone could see that they wurr oot oan the prowl but naebody wid want tae go near them way a 10ft barge pole, they wurr a bunch eh states, they obviously went to their pals hoose afore the club for pre-drinks where they tanned aboot four bottles eh Blue Wkd. Thurr up the front eh the line fawin aboot the shop like a bunch eh pirates way wan leg cause thurr half cut. It wiz surprising that the booncers havnae just told them tae piss aff and go hame to thurr beds as they probably hud skil the nixt day.

He turned aroond n looked behind um tae see a group eh thirty year auld men who looked like spice boys, wi their hair lookin like the contents eh a Pot Noodle, their jeans - wit looked like they hud been attacked by a group eh rabid dugs while they wurr makin their way tae the club - were rolled that far up their legs it wiz like they were aw wearin shorts. Awbdy got a gid sniff eh the fumes wit wurr burnin away folks’ nasal hair. Folk soon noticed the cloud eh gasoline floatin er the ‘mens’ heeds, it wiz worse than lassies at the front eh the queue, awbdy wiz too feart tae spark up a fag in case awbdy went up into flames. He wiz stawndin there thinkin “How could a group eh men who wurr in their mid-thirties dress and act like a bunch eh wee boys in their 4th year in high skil?” They obviously wurr tryin tae hawd oan tae how auld they wurr fifteen year ago.

He turned aroond tae look at wit his group eh pals wurr dane. There was wan eh his pals stawndin there, who looked aboot 7ft tall but it wiz his hair which added 4ft on to his height. It was laggered in gel, it looked like his hair hudny been washed in aboot 7 weeks, it wiz jakey. Anen wan eh his pals wiz tryin to get wi every burd in the queue but it really wizny gon well fur um, he looked like a bit eh meat snugly wrapped in packagin’ wi his ticht leather clothes outlinin every part eh his body. They wurr that ticht oan um, if he bent er they wid eh torn richt aff um, the troosers might ae went fleein and gave somebdy a concussion. He wiz wi a pair eh twins, they wurr nae taller than 4ft n looked aboot seventeen stane – they wurr like two wee Renault Clio’s – they wurr that daft it wid be surprising if they could tell their erse fae their elbae. He wiz thinking tae himself, “Ah’ll be surprised surprised if we even git in here, Av got terrible fake ID, am stawndin’ here nixt tae stretch wi the haircut that stawnds oot like a sare thumb, Av got the sex pest, whos gonny get us stopped fae the police never mind no getting in the place, then tae tap it aff Av got Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum here aboot laying intae each er, wits gonny get us chucked oot afore we’re even in the club”.

They’re finally at the front eh the queue eh awh the delinquents, noo they just have tae git past the two muckle buildins in front eh them. The security guards were stawndin there n looked like they wurr aboot ready to throw their boulders eh fists right in tae wan eh the young boys jaws. He heard a grunt fae the bouncer which wiz aimed tae wan eh his pals: “Got any ID oan ye?”. His pal wiz stawndin there shakin’ like a rattle snake, he replied wi a squeak “Aye, a dae.” The bouncer takes it aff um and looks at it wi a scowl and asks wit his date eh birth is. His pal gits it wrang and he is refused entry so he decides tae try and make a scene by shouting at the security guards, he goes to throw a punch at them but afore he hus a chance he gits a Glesga kiss right oan the coopin. Efter that, it wiz like awbdy hud hit a sort eh depression, they aw hud faces like a tanned erse. The booncers acted like nuhin changed, while his pals sprawled oot er the flair, oot cauld. The line slowly died doon. The group eh lassies wurr layed oot sparkled er the flair, unconscious fae aw the Blue Wkds. Thurr maws came oot eh naewhere and ragdolled them aboot the shop, screamin, “Yur still gon tae skil the morn!” then threw them in thurr cars. The spice boys got in the club but wurr thrown oot faster than the speed eh sound. “That’s wit ye git when ye try n mingle wi the managers gran a suppose.” The lad n is fleeta pals wurr sat there waiting fur Tweddle Dee and Tweedle Dum’s maw tae come n pick them up fur a lift hame. He wiz sat there in the pourin rain pissed aff, since he just wastit a nicht stawndin aboot fur nuhin. His pal turns n said, “So same the morn’s nicht then.” He locked eyes wi his pal like a lion starin doon a gazelle n roared, “Nae chance!”

by Liam Forrest
(Dunfermline High School)