Facey Like Yours - Tam


Right lads, here's a story fir yeez.

A wiz it the pub. Lang night...seemed short tho. A wiz hain a guid time till the daft barmaid shouted, "It is aw, yeez will hiv tae git back tae yir wimmin." Aw ae ma auld pals n me moaned. So I go oot the pub, git oan ma horse n away a went.

A goat the biggest fright ae ma life. A wiz hinkin thit a wiz goin tae git ma heid tain clean aff wae ma wife. A wiz really gutted thit a wiz goan back tae ma wife, it wiz as if a wiz pure terrified ae ir, almost like a wiz in an abusive relationship the wiy thit a wiz hinkin.

Oan thi wiy hame a took a short cut n a saw an auld kirk n it wiz glowin.

It hid a dodgy back groond noise as if there wiz a perty goin oan. A widnaeive went oure tae it bit a wiz interested so a went oure n looked through the windae n saw hunners ae auld witches thit hid aw the same hackit faces bit is a scanned wae ma blurry eyes a saw wan thit looked fit.

A looked roon n a saw a deil playin a fluit-bagpipe hing. As I wiz gazin it the young witch ma drunkenness shouted oot "Weel done, Cutty Sark." The music stoaped deid n thi aw looked roon it mi. I jamp back oan ma horse assuming thit a disrupted their dance. Thi aw ran aiftir me n ma horse. They were rapid bit no is rapid is ma horse.

The young wan wiz the fastest probably because ir legs wirnae aw rusted like aw the auld wans. So when I wiz goin through the wids a could hear runnin watter so a thought that if a jamp oure the brig thit the witches couldnae git mi because they canny go across runnin watter so a gave it a go n a jamp oure the stane brig n the young witch grabbed ma horse's tail n took the hing clean aff but wi made it n a wiz oan ma wiy hame.

When a goat hame ma wife wiz stonnin in front ae the door.

A goat aff ma horse n a went oure tae her tae say sorry fir bein late n give ir a kiss oan the cheek. Bit she jist slapped mi in the face n said "Git in." A tried tae tell ir the story but she jist said go tae bed n sober up then a'll talk tae yi."

by Liam Cunningham
(Bellshill Academy)

Listen to Tam read by Liam Cunningham here